I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize