The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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