First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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