dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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