my sisters under your porch take her home
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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