He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize