I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Holy shit dude........stairs
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