My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize