New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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