Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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