I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Let's get the cat blown out
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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