i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
