Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
