I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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