Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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