Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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