Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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