ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
