Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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