There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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