So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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