So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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