These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
