I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
