I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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