dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
