I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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