I accidentally burped into my bong.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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