Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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