How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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