i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize