did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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