dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
