Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
