Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
