i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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