Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm always down for nudity.
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