She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We have so much sex to catch up on
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize