I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
