Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
