I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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