I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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