dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize