Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Randomize
