People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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