Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize