I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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