I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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