was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
