I'm going to rape someone's good day.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
