His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
