I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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