When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
