Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
