I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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