I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
